Women Who Love Too Much

Dear Get Real Girl,

I just came out of a long heartbreaking relationship and have recently started dating a really great guy. He always has "future plans" for us and starts many sentences with "If we got married...." "My wife will have...." " When you're ready...." He is very attentive and spoils me. I don't think I go an hour without hearing from him in some way, via e-mail, phone, or a simple text saying he misses me. After knowing him for only 4 months he tells me he loves me, but also acknowledges that I don't need to feel the same way back. He says that "you can't win if you never take a chance", so he's putting his heart out on the line and will wait for me as long as he needs to. He lives in a world of black and white, yes or no, there is hardly any grey. Although I really enjoy our time together and am not closed to the possibilities of having a serious relationship far off in the future, I can't help but feel that I should take a serious amount of time to just find myself again. I have expressed my feelings and concerns and he listens to me and validates me in many ways, but I feel that Romeo is still pressuring for more. Am I just not ready for dating or is dating during this time an obstacle to the goal of finding myself? I have found that by dating and sharing time with friends and people it helps me learn more of who I am, but where is the line between learning, distracting, and just going with the flow?
Help!

Dear Woman Who Loves Too Much,

PUMP THE BRAKES!!! Romeo is definitely coming on too strong. It’s great that he is being honest with you, and telling you up front how he feels. I am a big advocate for honesty, so kudos to him for that. However, it seems that he can’t take a hint that you need for him to slow down. Perhaps it's not a clear message how much of a break you need? Do you tend to let his behavior slip, if it benefits you, but if it doesn't, it just annoys you? Sure, he may be SAYING he’ll wait forever and give you all the time you need, but with his constant nagging on the subject, he really isn’t following through with his word. My advice to you is to take a break from men. Period. If you have just ended a long, heartbreaking relationship, you need time to heal. You need time to refocus and learn who you are. It’s time for you to be selfish, and discover who you are, independent from a partner. Friends can be a great support through this time, but boyfriends and dating should take a back seat. Why? Because any healthy dating relationship is about give and take. That’s what makes it work. However, if you’re not in a place to GIVE, you shouldn’t be taking. Romeo may be dealing with it now, but as time goes on, he’s only going to grow resentful of the fact that he does everything for you, and gets nothing in return. Everyone has a breaking point…he just hasn’t reached it yet. You’re on the right path to a normal breakup. You’ve have your rebound, so it’s time to refocus on you, and actually MOVE ON from your heartbreak. Don't fall into love so quickly, especially with someone that you feel you are indebted to because he's been good to you. If there is really something special between you two, it will be there when your alone time is over. Help him understand that by finding yourself, and becoming a better, stronger person, it will benefit your future relationships, and allow you to be a giver, as well as a receiver.

Finding oneself can be a long journey. Do we ever truly “find” ourselves? Isn’t life also about constantly learning, constantly pushing ourselves to new levels, and discovering ALL the things we are capable of doing? I don’t believe we find ourselves at a certain age and stay that way. We’re continuously growing and adapting, so don’t hold out too long on the dating game. I can’t tell you how long you need, because that depends too much on your previous relationship and breakup, but I can tell you that AT LEAST 1 month of total YOU time is appropriate. Your big challenge now will be telling Romeo to back off. If he’s already in contact with you hourly, this is going to be a huge adjustment for him. Set a firm boundary with him. Draw that line in the sand, and STICK to your word. If you can’t hold out on your end, if you cave in the next time he arrives with chocolates, flowers, and a sonnet, you’re only telling him if he works hard enough, he’ll always be able to wiggle his way into your life. So stick to your guns, and stop loving so much. I look forward to hearing from you again!

Xoxo,
♥